Confessions of a Drug Addict

The following is an interview with a 19-year old former drug abuser. His name has been concealed to protect his identity. He is currently staying at the Hiding Place, a halfway house for reforming drug addicts. This is his story in his own words.

I was helping out with my parents then; working the night shift. In the day time I had nothing to do, the whole day was free and I was bored. Slowly my friends introduced me to it (drugs); they asked me to have some and try it; just try it … just minor drugs, like marijuana and pills. I was curious … this was something new to me, you see. Since he was my friend, I trusted him. You know, I thought he buay hai wah (will not harm me. Until one day, someone gave me heroin, and I started to feel this was even better. I began to get addicted to it.

My parents caught me three times. The first time they forced me into withdrawal by locking me at home. After that withdrawal period, I was a normal person again. And then not long after that, I started to get back again. Got hooked again. The second time I tried to quit by myself. My cousin helped me by taking things like opium to subsidise the heroin. So I managed to quit. Not long after, I got back to smoking again. This third time, my parents had no choice; they could not help me. They did so much, but then I still go back to drugs. Slowly, gradually, my parents phoned my probation officer and he recommended me to come here (Hiding Place).

I knew that drugs could harm me. Three times I quit and yet I went back, knowing that it would harm me. My parents were very sad about it. I know that it is a torture. My parents kept telling me to be a good boy … and my parents would tell me to be a good boy but yet I still went back to drugs. Everytime I was out of drugs I had to steal and cheat. Even my friends were scared of me when they saw me. Sometimes I even stoke my home appliances when I didn’t have money. I would shout at my sister, take money from home … break the drawers, everything. Do anything to get money; knowing that that was harmful to me, and yet somehow I kept going back to it again and again.

Getting heroin was quite expensive … $20 for a small straw. In one day I needed to take at least two straws. In the initial stages, we could still work and earn the money. Slowly when we were more addicted to it we tend to neglect our work. When we have the opportunity to get a lot, we would take it and sell. We take it as a kind of lifestyle where we sell and earn the money. If not, we would cheat, steal, do anything to get the money for drugs.

Previously I used to go out in gangs. We took pills, stole and then we would go out and beat somebody up. Take money from them. Every time we go out and we have nothing to do … we like to chuay tai ji(looking for trouble). One big group of friends together, we are not scared. Somebody stare at us or what, we would go and find trouble. Then sometimes when we don’t have money we would beat somebody up and then bedek bedek (pretend to) say “why you looking at us?”

If you don’t have the drug, the pain is quite inexpressible. You feel very uncomfortable. You yawn a lot, tears come out, you feel like you’re having a fever, you feel hot, you cannot sleep, cannot do anything. Once you don’t have that thing to settle down, you won’t think of working. You’re completely strengthless. Now I am 56 kg. When I was smoking, I was 44 or 45 kg.

Down here (The Hiding Place), they don’t give you any medicine for subsiding the pain. It’s just a normal ‘cold turkey’ without anything. After 10 days, it will be okay … my appetite will slowly come back and I can sleep. During those ten days of ‘cold turkey’ treatment, I cannot sleep.

I slowly learned more about God. Not long after I decided to give my life to Him. Since then, I have been here for over two years. God is really good. I think for me, I would say that only when we come to God and when we come to know Jesus then we can be totally free from drugs. Sometimes these thoughts (of taking drugs) still come back. But I am sure that as I continue to follow God, He will see me through. Right now, I have the opportunity to go back to my studies again. I can go home leave twice a month for a day, unescorted. My parents are very happy.

I don’t want to waste any more of my time. Before this, I ran away from home several times, once for six months. At first I was on probation for housebreaking. After that, some years later, I went into drugs. Most of the time I didn’t like to go home. I always stayed outside. I would even sleep in the void deck and go back the next day. From the age of 12/13 years, I started to do a lot of bad things. So many years have passed already … I don’t see any point in going back to that type of lifestyle again.